"I can't seem to get into my place."

OK, first- what type of place do you have? Is it a apartment? A House? A tent in the woods?

"I don't know, it's got windows....."

OoooooooK. <preparing to become frustrated> Well do you have a key to get in?

"I have a bunch, but none of them work. The one marked Ford fit but it wouldn't open the door."

Nah, nah, nah, that one DEFINITELY won't work. Did you get one from a person who helped you buy the place there?

"Yeah, I think..."

OK, let's try that one. Now before I start [BEEP,BEEP,BEEP....]...What's that noise?

"Uh, nothing. [BEEP,BEEP,BEEP....]"

No, WHAT IS THAT NOISE? I NEED to know. [BEEP,BEEP,BEEP....]

"I think I have some kind of security alarm." [BEEP,BEEP,BEEP....]

[SLAP!!!!] <Techie slaps his forehead hard>

OK, STOP what your doing! Listen to me, try putting the key you got, from the person we mentioned, in the keyhole and turn it clockwise. [BEEP,BEEP,BEEP....]

[BEEP,BEEP, bee...] "Hey the noise stopped! Wow thanks!"

Alright, have you pushed the door open now?

"Left handed or right handed?"

It doesn't matter.

<techie makes the "duh" face>

[chhk] "Hey thanks for getting me in. Hey while I've got you, could you tell me what that box out front is for?"

The mailbox?!?!?

"Is that what it's for? How do I get my mail?"

Ummm.<dreading a longer conversation> I'm not sure. Could I get in touch with you----<click....RRRRRRRR> (phone dialtone appears)